This question has boggled me for so long…
Who am I ? Who am I ?
I took me 28 full years, where suddenly one morning, feeling almost destitute of hope, apathetic in motivation, as I was projecting any probable adventure ahead as a resolution of suffering, that a glimpse unfolded. I did not know where to go as every direction outward was overwhelming me with a sensation of loss and depression.
My options seemed to only comprise of a diminution of pain… With the little time I had before my next appointment, I decided to sit down and channel my higher self through dance. Which I start doing through asking myself three questions:
Do I know who I am ?
Do I feel who I am ?
Am I who I am ?
As I was sitting before asking these questions, I started to loose myself again in problems-solving thoughts that seemed never ending. I almost layed down on the floor from lack of self-reliance and motivation about these giant coordinations problems. When I remembered to ask myself the questions…
As I asked the first question, an intuition came to me. An upward force came down on me, vertically within my central axis. A recognition of the communication from spirit. Simultaneously a force from below me transcended my ‘matter’ through. My ever doubting mind, double checked, verified cautiously do I know who I am ? The experience was a constant confirming YES.
I asked my next question, and felt a humbly confirming yes, I can feel who I am. I was somewhat overwhelmed with admiration, vulnerability, confidence, evidence, enlightenment; the whole range of emotions between the two polarities of superiority and inferiority in the constructive sense. This upward force and this downward force simultaneously. Symbolically, one white, one black.
I asked my last question: Am I who I am ? Again the self evidence was striking. I was feeling infinite. The blinding strength of what my presence is, filled every corner of my being. Yet the dampening simplicity of what my matter body is, gave me this serious allowance of being here. To be part of the physical world and having a local experience. It is difficult to put into just words what this state of being is, as I could feel every quality opposed within another aspect of the totality of who I am. And that is probably also how the magnitude of what I know my being to be, could truly emerge. Allowing the lowest or the highest so that it’s opposite emerges too. Maybe, if you know that your greatness is not embodied yet, it could be that you still hold a judgment and a disallowance to be littleness.
Wherever I go, I felt simply just. Just to who I am. Enough, whole, simple yet so lightly penetrative to all. Truly this sensation that you’ve got all you need in you. I am my own medicine. Self reflective and this was also a surprising event. Since I have quite a baggage of spiritual knowledge and experience, I consider myself to be extremely critical when it gets to the topic of feeling enlightened, so I had a series of critical questions for myself… But here was the surprising point: Those were not my questions… Those doubts and judgments came from other bodies, and as frustrating it may be, only added more weight and slowness to myself to answer them. It was in a sense not self reflective, and would be contrary to enlightenment. This made me realize that it is truly a gift one is offering to take the time to answer certain questions. You literally offer your being, your essence energy, if that could be considered a currency. Not to be offered so lightly as a dogma…
This is it.
Who am I ? I am infinite. I am infinity.
I am a willingness to be as I am.
I am the formless within the form. The non-local, ever beyond, coinciding a local, bodily experience.